The story of basic cable and Vampyros Lesbos

Writers note: Okay ladies, i'm about to let you inside the minds of males when left alone, or in groups. If you would like to keep the nice, wholesome image of sons, brothers, fathers, spouses, or any other males in your life, then just do yourself a favor and stop reading this now.
Trevs and his girlfriend just got cable last night, and since him and I were hanging out, wanted to see what it offered. It was about midnight so all the movie channels were playing their basic softcore affairs. The one title that stood out was Busty Cops 2. Jackpot! Upon trying to view this delightful cinematic classic we were brokenhearted to find out that he unfortunately didn't subscribe to the channel. Sexual healing was also a no go. After going to every risque title we reached the same fate. Then we came to the sundance channel, and there was some good news.

1. He had this channel.
2. They were playing a movie entitled Vampyros Lesbos. Thank you God.

Now, he lives with his girlfriend and can get laid, and see breasts any time he wants. I, even though in the middle of a ten month dry spell, have seen my fair share of nudity on screen and in person. Despite that, we were still as excited as two kids seeing a playboy dug out of their brothers room for the first time. It was fuckin pathetic. This movie was terrible. It had english subtitles, was dubbed in German, and i'm still unsure about the coutry of origin. Nothing made sense.

"I will bring you pain, you will love me." An ACTUAL line of dialogue from this abomination of cinema.

But we watched it anyways, because in the first five minutes it showed a very endowed woman topless. So, we figured, it would ultimately show a lot more. What we watched for an HOUR was quite the contrary. I'll give the movie this, it was fucking hillarious. It made no sense. The camera would zoom in on an actors left eye an cheek for no apparent reason. It would show inanimate objects that had nothing to do with anything. It was great. But the big payoff was when the head "vampire" was killed, in broad daylight no less. She was stabbed in the eye and landed naked, spread eagle on the bed. Our prayers were answered, and we were satisfied. Then we looked up at her eye again and realized we were staring at dead bush. After that we were pretty disgusted with ourselves, and i went home to shower as i felt very unclean. There you have it: an hour in the male mind.