Never Backpack through Cuba with Toucan Sam.

I dreamed about Allison again last night. I haven't gone a night without one of them in almost a year now and it's really strange. During the dream all those feelings are still there. The worst depression that I've felt awake is nothing compared to that which I experience in a not so peaceful slumber. It's so intense, it makes me want to just lay down and die. That's the only time I get suicidal anymore. When I'm asleep and dreaming of her. When I wake up, though, none of those feelings stay with me. Well, not too long anyway. I don't know what any of that means.

On top of that I also dreamed about Lisa. Then, the neighbors dogs woke me up at three in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I just lay there and thought about the girls I now only see when I close my eyes. It's a hard sensation to describe. Even now, I have no desire to ever be near them again, much less as close as we once were. Then why is it so different in the dream?

At work today I had nothing to do. This gave me hours to just kinda sit back and let my mind wander. My MP3 player stopped on the song "Conversation" by Motion City Soundtrack. It's a beautiful, slow song that has more than just a hint of sadness to it. It was the only thing I listened to for over an hour. I let myself get caught up in the way it made me feel, instead of letting it run its course before moving on. I just reveled in it. There's a very big part of me that enjoys a gentle melancholy.

I thought about how I really feel about being single. For the most part I'm OK with it, but sometimes I miss having someone more than anything. It's on those weekend nights that I'm just laying in bed watching TV, alone. I miss having someone there next to me. I miss the embraces. Conversations. Making out and more. Just all those little things that seem so insignificant when you're in a relationship. The things that you take for granted. They seem like gold when you face an empty bed every night.

I've also been in kind of a weird mood since yesterday. A day with my family tends to do that. I also got my first rejection regarding my book. It honestly didn't affect me the way I thought it would, which is a very good thing. If I couldn't handle it I should really just give up now. I'm going to print it up and hang it in my cubicle. Give myself a little motivation. I don't know how to end this, as I'm just rambling, so I guess I'll just