Lately, it doesn't feel like anything is real. Like I'm just drifting through a waking dream. A fog clouds and distorts everything around me. I'm scared to death of what I'll see once the veil has finally been lifted. I had that dream again last night. It left me with that ache, a painful longing in the pit of my stomach that stayed with me until long after I fell back to sleep. When I awoke again I just felt numb. I wish I had someone I could call, because I really don't want to be by myself tonight. The television just intensifies the loneliness, instead of diminishing it. The few, brief conversations I have are forgotten immediately after they are over. Like they never happened.
It feels as if I'm just sorting through the remnants of a life that has long since been abandoned. Like putting together a puzzle that's missing half the pieces. You focus more on the holes, instead of the picture itself. I feel invisible. It's getting to where I can't even remember what things were like before, when they were different. When I was different. All I feel is the painful loss of them, with no way to alleviate it. Sometimes, I would love more than anything to go back, but I don't even know what I have to go back to. I should move forward, but the same problem presents itself. I just want to feel something, anything, other than what I have lately.
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