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For reasons which now escape me

The rain is coming down harder now than when I’d started. I throw the shovel away somewhere to my right before sitting down in the mud and patches of grass. I stare at my blistered hands and watch as the rain cleans them of the dirt, yet remains unable to wash away the guilt and knowledge of the things I’ve done here tonight.

My breath is coming in short, ragged bursts as the night’s exertion finally catches up with me. I briefly contemplate lying on my back and inhaling the water as it fills my mouth. While it would certainly make the events to come easier, I probably shouldn’t make this a habit.

First, there’s something which needs to be addressed. Even if I was smart enough to get away with what I’ve done here tonight, I do not want to. Right now, every second of freedom I have is borrowed at best and I’ve decided to use that time to think of what it is I’m going to tell them when they piece the story together with all the evidence I’ve left behind.

That’s one of the worst things about all this, I think. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for my actions. You never hit me and were nothing but faithful during the year we were together. In truth, you treated me better and loved me more than I ever thought possible. I don’t know…maybe that was the problem.

While watching the freshly filled hole I placed you, the man I loved with everything I had, my mind goes to the dark place. I imagine your hand bursting up through the dirt to grab me and pull me under, or the earth itself opening up to swallow me whole. At least that way we’d be together again.

The last thing you said to me is still raw in my mind. We were having dinner, something I threw together quickly, because it was late and I was too tired from work to make anything extravagant. It was while we were quietly eating next to one another at the bar when you looked at me with those eyes I’ve always loved getting lost within and said, “Maybe we should think about getting a table.” Then, for some reason, I just snapped and …well, I guess you know the rest.

It doesn’t make any sense, I know, and it’s also too late for apologies. I can hear sirens somewhere in the distance and they’re getting closer, so I’d better make this quick. I wanted to love you forever, honest I did, but I was never sure how. Now that I have to live with what’s transpired here tonight, I think I’ll finally be able to.

The sky has finally stopped its weeping, but I’ve only just begun.

At somewhat of a loss for words.

So much has changed over the last several months. I’ve said goodbye to everyone I knew, most of which only brought me down anyway, quit a job I hated and moved several states away to be with the only woman I’ve ever loved. So, yeah, things in my new life are much better than the one I’ve left behind. I’ve been dying to tell you about it all, which is something that’s proved difficult.

See, I’ve tried almost every day to sit down and write like I used to…but I can’t. Instead, I just stare at a blank screen and wait for words that never materialize. They don’t come easy to me like they once did and it’s not due to a lack of things to talk about. Lately it’s growing more and more evident that there’s only one part of my old lifestyle I truly miss.

It’s been my release since I was 19 and become crucial to the process of what I think defines me most. I’d like to talk about it, but when I bring it up I feel guilty, for various reasons, and it’s the one thing I don’t think she understands.

I’ve been trying to think of more to say, but again, it’s proving difficult. I just wanted to let you know that I am doing well. Maybe someday the words will come and, when they do, you’ll be the first to know.