Hollow

South Carolina

I was in the office of Blockbuster counting down the tills, when i felt my phone vibrate. I opened it up and saw that i had a message from Liz. It simply read, "we need to talk."

We had been broken up for almost a month at this point, and i hadn't seen her since. All my blood ran cold, and my heart sank into my stomach. I knew this wasn't going to be a good talk.

I called her up, and her voice was shaky.

"What's wrong?"
"I don't wanna talk about it over the phone."
"Is it bad?"
"Yeah, it's real bad."
"Jesus, Liz you're scaring me. Just tell me what's wrong."

Silence, followed by heavy breathing and sobs.

"I've been having some medical problems. I started bleeding at work and i went to the doctor. I found out that i was pregnant...but i lost it."

Time stopped. It's funny how quickly your world can fall apart around you. How you can miss something so deeply, when you didn't even know you had her in the first place. I broke down. The pain that i felt i wouldn't wish on anyone, especially someone who wanted kids.

"Are you ok?" I asked her.
"No...are you ok?"
"No."

I told her i would go and see her when she got off of work. Then i hung up the phone and wept. Chuck came in and i told him what happened, but he didn't know what to say. I hurried with the rest of my duties and went home. It was like someone had punched a hole right through my chest. I felt empty, hollow. I was in a calmer state, if you can call it that, when i walked into the front door. That's when Jonathan and his family asked what was wrong. I broke down again as i told them what happened. I was met with one question and one comment.

Are you sure it was yours?
Yes I'm sure, fuck you for asking.

Well, you know, maybe it's for the best.
For the best? FOR THE BEST? How fucking dare you say that to me. I don't care what might have come from this regarding her and my relationship. I could have dealt with any outcome from that, good or bad. But don't you ever say that the death of my child could be a blessing in disguise. If i could have sent them to hell with a look right then and there...i'd have done it.

It wasn't until late that morning that she got home from work. She said she hadn't eaten all day, so i picked up some food for us and headed over. When i got there and she answered the door i was in shock. Good god....she was already starting to show. She let me in and we went into her bedroom. I had brought a movie over that she had been wanting to see, to help her take her mind off of things. We ate and watched the movie in silence.

Once it was over, we started the talk. The details of the conversation are fuzzy, and i only remember fragments. I held her, and we grieved together. I looked at her and wondered how this all could have gone so wrong. She told me that she was hormonal when we broke up, and that that was the reason for a lot of the fighting. That she didn't really mean it. Then we kissed, and that led to more.

Afterwards we were holding each other, talking. My hand caressed her stomach, and her hand found mine and held it there. She started crying even harder. She told me that she thought she might have been pregnant, but ignored it because she wasn't sure. She told me that it was her fault that it had happened. I told her that i didn't blame her, which was the truth. That sometimes these things happen, not that that makes it any less painful. We were the only two people on the planet that felt what we were going through, but we gave each other little comfort. Something like this was supposed to bring us together, but we weren't together and this really drove that point home.

We laid there the entire night, and watched the sun come up. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay there and hold her, tell her everything was going to be alright, and that we could try again. The relationship, i mean. But i knew that's not what she wanted. I left her house now grieving two things, instead of one.

Not that there is a good time for something like this to happen, but this was definitely the worst. Jonathan and his wife were due to have their baby any day now. For someone who just went through a miscarriage, seeing a family bring their new life home isn't exactly an ideal environment. So i stayed out as much as i could.

I called my mom looking for some comfort, but as soon as i told her she switched the subject to her work. I got mad, yelled at her, and hung up. I called my father and aunt Betty,and they helped.

I wandered around Summerville feeling lost. The tears would come and go without warning. There was one night when Kat was having trouble with baby Lyric, due to exhaustion, so i offered to take over for a little while. I sat in a rocking chair in the nursery, rocking the baby back and forth. He was asleep in no time. Sitting there, watching him doze was the most heartbreaking experience i've ever had.

Eventually, the days turned to weeks, which melted into months. The pain has dulled, but hasn't gone away. I hope it never will. Not a day goes by that i don't think about her. (Even though the baby technically didn't have a gender yet, i choose the female label because i refuse to refer to my child as "it") If things had gone a different route, she would have turned a year old last month. It really gets to me sometimes. I wish things had been different. But if she is out there somewhere i hope that she knows that her daddy loves her deeply, and that she will always be wanted.