I realized today my erratic bouts of depression aren't for attention, as I've sometimes wondered. No, in the heat of the moment, I hate the stares and whispers.
Which can only mean they're real.
So, um, yay?
Stream of consciousness
At 8:30, the alarm goes off. I fight with the snooze button for a half hour before my brain decides to finally fire up. I rub my burning eyes and try to string enough words together to form a single, cohesive thought.
Stayed up till 3 watching a Bill Hicks dvd, because I couldn't tear myself away.
Slept on the couch because sleeping on my bed with all it's emptiness is more than I can take lately.
And now, time to get up.
I step into the kitchen and make my single cup of coffee, which accompanies me into the bathroom. I still can't figure out my shower, so I bathe under sporadic bursts of luke warm and biting cold. You see, I can't feel right until I've had a blistering hot shower, so I've started every day since September off on the wrong foot.
I listen to my music as I brush my teeth and suit up. While singing along to "Survive" by Rise Against I examine myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a long sleeve, white thermal shirt, black jeans, white and black tennis shoes, black suit jacket and, of course, the fedora. I deem this acceptable and head out.
It's dad's birthday tomorrow so I told him I'd take him to see the new Harry Potter flick today. When I get to his place he hands me the newest pictures of my little brothers. It makes my heart ache. I place them carefully in the breast pocket of my jacket and we head to the theater.
I have an amazing time. We talk easily, not about anything serious, but it doesn't matter. I'm simply clowning around with my dad. It's like those old days I miss more than anything else. He feels like my dad, again.
The movie is also phenomenal.
After it's over, he goes to the bathroom and I venture outside to smoke. I see this girl sitting by herself who's checking her phone while people watching. Our eyes meet and after that, I could swear I see her staring in my direction a couple times. When dad finishes up we start heading to his car.
She's about ten steps ahead of us when I reach into my jacket and pull out one of my business cards. Right before we pass I hand it to her and say, "You look like you need this. Check it out sometime."
When we're a decent enough distance away my dad asks, "So you only give them to goth girls?"
"Market research says they're my demo." We both chuckle a bit.
When I sit down in the car, as I buckle my seat belt I ask, "Do want to know the real reason I gave her my card?"
"Sure."
"She was the only one I saw who was alone. I know what that's like and I don't think anyone should ever have to feel that way." On the way back to the house we talk about religion and it is glorious.
As soon as we arrive, we meet up with my aunt and cousins and go out to eat together. I love my family, but I don't know how to act around them; I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why. Dad tells a story about how my youngest brother (Casey, 4) says I'm not his brother because I never come to see him. My chest goes numb.
Flash forward an hour or so and I hug my dad goodbye. The two and a half day funk I'd been dragging out evaporates in the beauty of the moment.
Back at the apartment I pull up my site and discover I have a new comment. It's from my dad, which reads:
"Ben, I'm very happy you finally found a way to express your voice. I'm proud of you."
Then I go to facebook and am greeted by a friend request from the girl at the theater. "This should be interesting", I think to myself as I click confirm.
Stayed up till 3 watching a Bill Hicks dvd, because I couldn't tear myself away.
Slept on the couch because sleeping on my bed with all it's emptiness is more than I can take lately.
And now, time to get up.
I step into the kitchen and make my single cup of coffee, which accompanies me into the bathroom. I still can't figure out my shower, so I bathe under sporadic bursts of luke warm and biting cold. You see, I can't feel right until I've had a blistering hot shower, so I've started every day since September off on the wrong foot.
I listen to my music as I brush my teeth and suit up. While singing along to "Survive" by Rise Against I examine myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a long sleeve, white thermal shirt, black jeans, white and black tennis shoes, black suit jacket and, of course, the fedora. I deem this acceptable and head out.
It's dad's birthday tomorrow so I told him I'd take him to see the new Harry Potter flick today. When I get to his place he hands me the newest pictures of my little brothers. It makes my heart ache. I place them carefully in the breast pocket of my jacket and we head to the theater.
I have an amazing time. We talk easily, not about anything serious, but it doesn't matter. I'm simply clowning around with my dad. It's like those old days I miss more than anything else. He feels like my dad, again.
The movie is also phenomenal.
After it's over, he goes to the bathroom and I venture outside to smoke. I see this girl sitting by herself who's checking her phone while people watching. Our eyes meet and after that, I could swear I see her staring in my direction a couple times. When dad finishes up we start heading to his car.
She's about ten steps ahead of us when I reach into my jacket and pull out one of my business cards. Right before we pass I hand it to her and say, "You look like you need this. Check it out sometime."
When we're a decent enough distance away my dad asks, "So you only give them to goth girls?"
"Market research says they're my demo." We both chuckle a bit.
When I sit down in the car, as I buckle my seat belt I ask, "Do want to know the real reason I gave her my card?"
"Sure."
"She was the only one I saw who was alone. I know what that's like and I don't think anyone should ever have to feel that way." On the way back to the house we talk about religion and it is glorious.
As soon as we arrive, we meet up with my aunt and cousins and go out to eat together. I love my family, but I don't know how to act around them; I feel uncomfortable and I don't know why. Dad tells a story about how my youngest brother (Casey, 4) says I'm not his brother because I never come to see him. My chest goes numb.
Flash forward an hour or so and I hug my dad goodbye. The two and a half day funk I'd been dragging out evaporates in the beauty of the moment.
Back at the apartment I pull up my site and discover I have a new comment. It's from my dad, which reads:
"Ben, I'm very happy you finally found a way to express your voice. I'm proud of you."
Then I go to facebook and am greeted by a friend request from the girl at the theater. "This should be interesting", I think to myself as I click confirm.
It took 200 hours of work, but it's done.
The website is now live.
www.bledoutontoapage.com
Check it.
www.bledoutontoapage.com
Check it.
Life isn't fair...
It's a phrase I've heard and spoke my entire life. It's usually been done during those really dire times where I wanted to rip my heart from my chest and squeeze out its final beat.
See, as long as I can remember, I've only focused on the really heinous shit that happened to me. I became comfortable playing the victim and "life isn't fair" became my mantra.
But I don't want to be that way anymore. It doesn't get you anywhere. Of course life is going to suck if all you look at is the sucky parts. It's all about your outlook. If you can learn to see past all the negativity, you'll see how much the world has to offer once you stop holding yourself back.
Life is fair, you just have to grow up and learn to take the bad with the good.
See, as long as I can remember, I've only focused on the really heinous shit that happened to me. I became comfortable playing the victim and "life isn't fair" became my mantra.
But I don't want to be that way anymore. It doesn't get you anywhere. Of course life is going to suck if all you look at is the sucky parts. It's all about your outlook. If you can learn to see past all the negativity, you'll see how much the world has to offer once you stop holding yourself back.
Life is fair, you just have to grow up and learn to take the bad with the good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)