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I want my childhood back

I have a confession...

I, Davlin Stewart, am a shameless nerd.

Most of the things I get passionate about aren't the hippest of topics to bring up in bar conversations. For example, one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my childhood was reading X-men #25 and seeing Wolverine get the adamantium ripped from his skeleton through his pores at the hands of Magneto. Seeing him face a world full of bitter enemies without the near invincibility given to him by his healing factor or unbreakable skeleton showed me a lot about inner strength and it still inspires me to this day. I take this shit a little too seriously.

Growing up, I would watch the cartoons, read the comic books and even wear the fucking X-Men underoos. The one thing I always wanted to see was my favorite character popping his claws on the big screen. Some years down the line, I finally got my wish.

Kind of.

In actuality, what I got was a watered down version featuring characters who were more two dimensional than those found on the page and also sported biker fetish gear. Everything about it was just wrong.

Now, here's what I don't get; the characters have already been developed, there are countless stories that could easily be faithfully translated into film AND yet they still managed to fuck it up. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why change so much that you lose everything that made the property great to begin with?

Because apparently that's the kind of shit you like, mainstream fans.

Last year was a rough one, what with the abomination that was X-Men Origins. I couldn't escape it, because that shit was everywhere. 711 had posters for the flick at the gas pumps. Now, it takes me ten minutes to fill my car up, because my gas tank is fucked off. This means a couple of times a week I would have to stand for ten minutes at a time and stare at Hugh Jackman as he made a mockery of my youth. Don't even get me started on Deadpool. Since it came out, I've seen it one and a half times and it deeply sickens me. I actually enjoyed the new Star Trek movie over the Wolverine one? How is that possible? There's only one explanation, really.

It's the end of times.

And now it's going to happen again, because tomorrow I will have to sit and watch as my other favorite childhood obsession will get a reboot that I still don't feel is necessary. I'm going to write more in detail before and after I see the film tomorrow and Saturday. But, I will say that I've read some of the reviews from the sites I trust and I gotta be honest...I'm terrified and not in the way I want from Nightmare on Elm Street.

Please, Platinum Dunes...don't take this one from me, too.

Not Exactly What I Set Out To Write

Thank you, Missy, for reminding me why I do this.

I originally started this post as a song. If you follow my stuff, you know how those tend to turn out. I write them when I'm manic, lending them an intense, often haunting vibe. I deleted it, because it made me feel ashamed. It was one of those things I didn't want to share.

Those types of writings...I don't tend to keep.

You see, I don't finish a piece if it's not something I'm willing to share. And, you have to understand, I've already shared a lot. These unwritten words are a fertile womb, providing the agonizing burden of giving birth to demons. Dramatic, right?

Well, check this out.

I was in the bathroom at work today when the floor opened up and swallowed me whole. I fell for 9 and a half hours and I'm not speaking in metaphors. On the outside, I'm on auto-pilot and leaking from the eyes. Inside, however, I'm whaling my arms around in a desperate search for solid ground. I'm screaming for something, but it's all coming out in tongues. What the fuck am I dieing for?

What is it that I need?

I can almost see it, but I'm not wearing my glasses so it's all distorted and out of focus. I only slept for three hours this morning and I'm running on fumes.

Suddenly, it starts to become clearer. My answer, it's right in front of me and I begin to smile.

With every breath I take, I get closer. My epiphany is just within my grasp.

Oh my god...I can't believe I didn't see it before. This whole time my honest to god revelation was

It was


I lost it.

Davlin talks about movies: The Hellraiser Remake

I am now laying on the couch engaged in one of my favorite nerd activities; reading the latest movie buzz. I usually become enraged at every news article regarding the next remake or adaptation of something I love. It's the fanboy in me...he refuses to let me be happy.

However, sometimes I smile because the people doing it not only get what makes it work, but also want to do it justice. Sin City, Watchmen, Harry Potter, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th remakes, there are quite a lot of them, actually, you just have to see them for what they are. Unfortunately, most of them are dogshit and I get so angry I nearly give myself an aneurism when talking about them at lenth.

The Hellraiser remake, is one of the former.

Speaking as a person who enjoys Clive Barker's work on a more than casual, but less than fanatical level, the movies are very hit or miss when it comes to how successful they are in adapting an already flawless short story or novella. The recent adapations of the short stories found in the Books of Blood have only truly gotten it right once.

But, let's talk about Hellraiser. The movie itself was written by Clive Barker, an adaptation of his novella "The Hellbound Heart". Now, as an adaptation of the book, the movie did a piss poor job. I'm not saying it was a bad movie, it's 80's horror at it's finest, it just sucks as an adaptation.

Now over 20 years later and they're remaking it, but this time it's different, somehow. This time we're getting a remake of an adaptation of a book, which is an adaption of the book and not the movie it's remaking? Hold on, I'm still processing that last sentence. Ok, I'm listening.

Here's some of the speculation from

This flick will reportedly be in 3D
Ok, I know the first instinct here is hop on the "Fuck 3D" bandwagon, but this could be interesting. If it doesn't take the cheap route and use it as a lame scare tactic (My Bloody Valentine), but instead tries to use it in a way to bring the world to life (Avatar) the possibilities could be astounding. Hell, in full 3D? I'm fuckin in.

Fully titled Clive Barker Presents: Hellraiser.

The Pinhead in this film will be different from the one we've grown to love.
The book and movie have very different takes on the cenobite's, with Pinhead in particular. In the book the cenobites are still there, they just took a back seat to the real story. See, the main plot detailed how far one woman was willing to go for her lover, who just so happened to be her husband's brother. The cenobites just pop out every now and then and there is no leader of the pack. There's one in particular who did happen to stand out above the others, but that character was female. In the movies you know her as Pinhead.

Back in the 80's, every big horror movie that became a franchise, had a male embodiment of evil as the protagonist. All the horror icons are male, so I'm guessing that's why Pinhead was moved to the foreground and given the change in gender. It might have even been this change alone that made it the classic it is today. So, as a remake this is a blasphemy, but as an adaptation of the book it's absolutely necessary. I'll allow it.

Pascal Laugier (Martyrs) was once attached to direct before he left the project.
I'm so pissed, this would have been epic!

Now, this is all speculation, but if it gets made and they do it this way, it'll be what the original film should have been all along.

Coming soon: My thoughts on Nightmare On Elm Street

Small Talk

I try not to live in the past, honest to god, I really don't wanna be like that anymore.

But sometimes...

I wonder what my life would be like if I had done just a few things differently. What if I had never gotten on that plane, preventing me from making that drunken mistake? What if I hadn't spent my entire senior year fucking off, thus allowing me to go to college? What if I had said "no"?

It's a dangerous game to play. No matter which imaginary road you go down, it's empty and it distracts you from what you have.

You see, if I had actually gone down one of those roads...I know what I'd have missed and, let me tell you, it's a hell of a lot.

So, me?

Nah...I have no regrets.