Since I got back from Louisiana, her and I have talked every night until it was really late in the evening. It looks like tonight is going to break that streak. I wouldn't feel so nervous about it, had it not been from the way our previous conversation ended.
We were talking about our most prized possessions and when it was her turn she mentioned two things given to her by him. Then, I just locked up, because I honestly didn't know what to say and wasn't going to be the one to change the subject. I only tried once by asking her if she ever listened to Armor for sleep, to which I didn't receive a reply. Her internet is shaky at best and I'm not even sure if she got it, so we were left with about half an hour of uncomfortable silence. I asked her what she was doing, which was an activity I thought she'd enjoy being alone with, so I excused myself to do a little bit of writing.
I wanted to write about why I had asked her if she heard Armor For Sleep. They've got this amazing concept album called "What To Do When You're Dead". It tells the story of a boy who was to hurt by everything around that he ends his life and tries to reach out to the girl he loves from the afterlife before moving on. I thought it was something we could both relate to.
I don't want her to think she can't be open with me, even about this particular part of her life. It's just that when this comes up, I really don't know what to say. I part of me is jealous for reasons I know are stupid. I also know what we have as well as how we feel about each other and neither one of our pasts could ever do anything to change that. I still can't help how it makes that small part of me feel.
That being said, my feelings in this situation aren't anywhere near as important as hers, because she's the one who survived it. I just want to be there for her in whatever capacity she needs and sometimes I don't think I do a very good job. When I finally got her back on gmail, she just said she was going to bed due to a horrible connection. The goodbyes were forced and awkward. When I double checked to make sure everything is alright, she said she was cranky and I dropped the topic. Then, we each said the word "Goodnight" and she signed off.
This is the first time that's ever happened and I really don't like it. Hopefully, the best thing to do here is let her have her space and she'll talk to me about it tomorrow.