Recommended Soundtrack: Finding Home-Saosin (click title for song)
Sometimes it's easy to feel trapped. After this month's car payment I'm left with fifteen bucks and over 985 dollars in bills due before the first of April. Also, I was pulled over last night for thirty minutes a mere 60 miles from home. During this time I was repeatedly humiliated by the officer before he issued me a citation for going ten miles over the speed limit at midnight on a deserted highway. Perfect.
But this wasn't the worst thing that happened yesterday.
On the way here I received some bad news which also fucked me up on many levels. I don't want to go into the specifics of it, but it made every trip to a gas station painful as I watched my bank account bleed out through the pump's digital counter.
This wasn't the worst thing, either.
I awoke yesterday around 11 and looked at Ana who was also still fighting the sleep in order to experience every last second we had together. The realization that I was going to have to leave in two and a half hours finally set in and the tears began to fall. She scooted closer to me and pulled my bare skin close to hers. We were both naked in a way which went deeper than our lack of clothing. I looked into her eyes and my face contorted with grief.
"Don't cry." She told me as she placed her hand on my cheek, causing the beautiful pain in my gut to swell.
"I'm trying. It just fucking hurts."
"I know."
Then we were kissing, our tongues occasionally connecting which sent jolts of electricity through my veins. Eventually, none of the wishes we made for time to stop came true and we could no longer stay in bed. We both went into the bathroom and showered together for the last time. When I close my eyes now I can see the steady current of water and lather as it made its way down every curve of her flawless body.
The last thirty minutes were spent with frequent kisses, embraces and sad expressions. Then, we're standing next to my car where we told each other countless times how much we loved each other in between more kisses. When our time was up she gave me a look which told me she was about to break down before walking away. She couldn't bring herself to do so again as she got in her vehicle and drove past. When I got into my car I licked my lips, found I could still taste her on them and began to weep.
I was in the Burger King drive through when she called me.
"So, yeah. I lost my debit card and my car's almost out of gas."
"Where are you?"
"I'm at the BP on the corner."
"Ok, I'm across the street, I'll be there in just a minute."
"Thanks. I love you."
"I love you, too."
I hung up and paid for my food before going to meet her. She wanted me to take her back to her apartment to see if she could find the card there. On the way we went over what could be done if it wasn't found. We had to wait outside because her room mate had the only key and didn't say much as we did, opting instead to hold hands in silence. She was trying to look anywhere but at me and I was busy studying her every movement.
When he got there we looked in her room but the card didn't turn up. I took her back to the gas station and put 10 bucks worth of gas in her car so she could make it to work and back. Now, the first goodbye was hard, but the second was brutal.
The first two hours of my trip back were hazardous because I had to navigate through a steady flood of tears. This is when all the other stuff happened and then I entered my apartment only to find shit had literally seeped through my bathroom ceiling and onto the floor. It was the perfect allegory for how I feel.
I'm sitting in my living room alone and it's even harder now because I know what's missing. When I close my eyes my mind keeps going back to those moments when we were in her bed, laying on our sides so we could stare into each others eyes. Hands glided over our nude forms while our mouths did some exploring of their own. That's when we found out together what it's like to make love. No matter what position we ended up in, our eyes remained locked into the others. The expressions which fluttered across her face were the most beautiful things I've ever been privileged enough to witness.
I've also seen what the distance between us actually looks like and with everything going on here...I'm terrified I'm never going to be able to make it back to her. It feels like my heart is riddled with hairline fractures.
So I have to remind myself that we're different. I love her so much that it's almost too much to contain and I refuse to let her go. I have to find my way back home.
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