Things are bad for me right now, worse than they've been in a long, long time. Every single day the situation worsens and I'm really struggling to keep my head above the water. With the bills adding up and their deadlines fast approaching, I can't help but think about it. Plus, my food supply is running low and I ran out of toilet paper on Saturday.
My point is, I feel so absolutely overwhelmed that my brain just clicks off and I shut down. People tell me what it is I need to do, but truthfully, they don't get it and they really don't understand what it's like inside my head. Advice is always so much easier when it's given on the outside and people can forget the problems the second they hang up the phone. Which leaves me here to deal with it all and I honestly don't even know where to start.
The first thing they tell me is to get temporary employment for a few weeks to get enough money, but that's honestly the last thing I think I need to do. For starters, I don't have the gas to make it back and forth to a job everyday. If I'm able to find something it will be at least a week before I get hired and several more weeks until I get my first paycheck, which will be well after all my bills are due at the first of the month and my car payment and insurance will be due shortly after. I can't stay here that long...this place is making me sick.
The only time I feel okay is when it's late at night and I'm talking to her. It's in these hours that the stress subsides and I'm allowed to smile, instead of crying my eyes out in between panic attacks.
She told me last night how she thinks I let the negative things in my life distract me from the good and, while I was definitely this way in the past, I don't know if this is still the case. If anything, I think it's the other way around.
I agree with you.
ReplyDeleteGetting a job takes time, getting a first paycheck takes more time. I'm actually leaning towards you leaving right away. Of course I don't know everything so my advice is totally useless.
(however, that doesn't stop me from giving it on occasion.)
However, You and I both know your life won't really start until you get yourself there, and there she is but also there your temporary job, (till school gets going) is too.
I know there must be reasons you have to stay where you are for now, but if any of them can be reasoned out of try to do it. The sooner you're together, the sooner you can start this next phase of your life, (this includes relationship and whatever your money making deal will be while there) the sooner things will start to calm down.
Keep your head up. This too shall pass. I was 30 before I really believed that, but trust me it's true. Hang in there and however I can help let me know and if it's within my power I'm there. :)
And remember this comes from someone that has been so poor I also ran out of toilet paper and have been known to stuff some in my pocket in public restrooms to take home. I have survived for weeks on 10 cent ramen noodles that I HATE because that's all I could afford. I've had bills come due, come past due, and nasty letters full of hatred follow after 30 days. I ran out of shampoo and washed my hair with bar soap for 2 weeks, (NOT a good look!) and I'm STILL poor enough to be drinking tap water because I don't feel like I can waste money on tea or sodas. It gets better. I absolutely promise you, even though I know you know that already.
ReplyDelete