Hollow: A retrospective

For the original piece click here.

I moved back home about a month after the events of this story and it was a major scar I didn't have when I originally left. I held it together until the following April when she would have been born. For a solid week I was wracked with grief.

This is also when I started working at my current job and, because I sat 7 feet away from Allison, it gave my mind plenty of distractions. Eventually we started dating and when I tried to talk about the loss of my child she only said, "Yeah, I don't want kids." I ended up having to keep a lot inside.

After a very rocky 10 months, she broke up with me, again, the following April. I told everyone this is why I went crazy, because it's easier than admitting the truth. I've experienced a lot over the course of my life I haven't been able to deal with, because all anyone ever says to me is, "don't be sad." Allison was just the final straw.

The next month I was rotting alone in my apartment while waiting for her next mixed signal. There was one night in particular when I was laying in bed and, as always, unable to sleep. I was staring at the ceiling wondering when the insomnia was going to end when a single word flashed into my head: Hollow.

Immediately I jumped out of bed and sat down with my laptop in the living room. I didn't move from that spot for an hour when the piece was finished. After that, I had the most restful sleep I'd had in months.

Slowly, I started to write more and more personal items and I could feel their weight falling from my shoulders, which led to the creation of my novel. When I was nearing the fruition of 4 months of work, Liz and I reconnected. We'd spend hours on the phone and she would tell me how much she'd hated her life now. She eventually confessed her feelings for me and we began to flirt with the idea of getting back together. I'd asked her if she'd read "Hollow" and she replied, "That the one about the kid? Yeah, it was sad."

I told her we weren't going to work out and haven't talked to her since.

For the most part, I've been able to move on from the terrible feeling of loss I carried with me since that day in September, 2006. Sometimes, though, I'll be reminded and I feel the familiar pang in my chest. I'm still glad it's there, though, because I will never forget the promise I made to my daughter.

I will always remember her.

Also, her 4th birthday would be coming up in two months and I'm a little sad I can't celebrate it.