Routine

At 5:15 my first alarm goes off and I don't hear it. They usually aren't able to stir me until at least a half hour later. When the one on my laptop goes off I hit snooze and don't have a memory of anything until 6:30. At this point I'm going to be pushing to make it to work on time. This should also bother me much more than it does.

I sit up on the couch, blankets and pillows piled all around me. I don't know why, but I can't sleep in my bed anymore, so I've grown quite fond of the living room. While in the shower, luke warm water cascades off of my face and always leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I dry off, step out and begin my routine. Gel in the hair, brushing of the teeth, deodorant and then I get dressed. This never changes unless I'm running so late I don't want to deal with my hair and rock a hat instead.

There's no enthusiasm during my daily ritual. It's just another thing I do nowadays. I've lost the drive in my life here that I used to have. I'm not sure how to get it back, or if I even really want to.

I'm in my car now, driving to work. When Russ Martin is on a commercial break I listen to songs from my MP3 player as loud as I can possibly stand. I never really feel like I've woken up; my mind still fresh with our conversation the night before.

At work I go through the motions. More is asked of me and I want to do less of it every day. It's hard, you know? When after so many years of soul searching you actually discover the things you want, it's painful when they're both half a country away.

I wish I was stong about this like you are. I never hear you say anything about how hard things are in your life. I admire your optimism and I promise I'm trying to be the same way, but, like I said, it's difficult.

I barely say anything in the conversations I have with people around me and they're always the same. I don't feel connected to the people here anymore and I question if I ever did. This perpetual disconnect only intesifies the dream like state in which I'm constantly finding myself.

I've tried to explain all of this, but I don't think anyone really understands. They simply tell me everyone has to do things they don't want to and this is where those conversations usually end. While this is inevitable in some instances, I think this defeatist attitude is what seperates myself from others around me.

I've never been one to settle, really. No one is guaranteed a very long time on this planet and once yours is up, that's all you get. I guess I've finally decided to use mine to pursue the things that make me happy and hold on to them once they are found.

These are just some of the thoughts that bounce back and forth through my head when working fails to hold my interest. Then, I get back in my car and turn the radio up so loud it annoys the motorist around me, but I don't care. This is the only joy I really get from being here these days.

Things are better at home, if only because it's easier to distract myself from the things which have weighed heavy on my mind. Eventually, after over 12 hours of watching the clock my favorite time of the day arrives.

It's during this time you and I are actually able to talk uninterupted. When we have these talks the distance doesn't seem so great and I let myself pretend we're the only people left in the entire world. Even though this part of the routine makes the rest of the day harder because of the fatigue it sometimes brings, I wouldn't trade it for anything. These are the moments I live for nowadays and your strength helps me find a way to soldier on.

After several hours, when we can no longer keep our eyes open, we say our goodnights and retire until the next day. I force myself to stay awake so I can burn the details of our conversation into my memory. Finally, sleep comes to claim me and 4 hours later the entire routine starts again.