Doubts

Conversations with people I've known for years, yet feel more like strangers. Their words laced with dubiety and backhanded well wishes. They tell me I'm fucking up and throwing my life away. This I can deal with; it's when they get to talking about her that I start to get upset.

On the outside I'm calm, but anger and mild hopelessness begin to build just below the surface. They have no idea of course, which just goes to show I'm better at keeping this shit in than they ever gave me credit for. As they talk I give them the smile they demand, but it's one with a wholehearted "fuck you" hidden underneath.

I'm still trying to adjust to life without my two favorite vices. The first gets a little bit easier with each passing day, but the second continues to be a struggle. I have a hard time making any sense of my thoughts or feelings without it. It's all just white noise and I can barely type anything coherent.

I've spent a lot of time alone in my apartment lately due to lack of funds or people I actually want to be around. Instead I drive around downtown Dallas and find solace in the cityscape. The music pumping through my speakers serves as better therapy than I ever received on a couch in front of a paid professional.

When I was almost home tonight the song, "The Good Witch Of The North" by Everclear, came on my MP3 player. Immediately my head was filled with thoughts and images of her and all the negativity I've bathed in for the last several hours melted away.

So, yeah, you can doubt me if you want, but take a long look at yourself before you do. What happened which made you so jaded and quick to write off the wants of others? Why is it that you're not happy unless you're bringing other people down with you? Then, when you reach your conclusions, go ahead and fuck yourself because I'm sick of listening.